Tech
‘AI Will Kill Us All! We’re Doomed! DOOMED!’ Says AI Company CEO In Latest Pitch To Investors
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Anthropic, the maker of the next-generation AI assistant Claude, made news for giving increasingly aggressive pitches to investors ahead of a potential public offering. Founder and CEO Bob Anthropic recently gave his most…
Google Maps Subtracts Hour From Travel Time After Realizing Dad Driving
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google announced an update for its popular Google Maps application that would automatically subtract an hour from travel time if it knows a dad is driving."Dads statistically make fewer stops, race to get ahead of semis,…
New Reusable Water Bottle Makes You Sign In To Google
U.S. — According to sources, a new reusable water bottle now requires the user to sign into their Google account in order to open it. The water bottle runs on the Android operating system and features a 3.5" screen that can inform drinkers…
Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Little Tikes Cozy Coupe
U.S. — Tesla announced on Friday that it had entered an agreement to create a joint venture with Little Tikes to bring Full Self-Driving to the Cozy Coupe.The Little Tikes Cozy Coupe has always functioned as a mirror for the car industry. Kids…
Awesome New Streaming Service Records Movie Streams Onto Cool Shiny Discs And You Can Buy Them And Own Them Forever
U.S. — Entertainment fanatics will soon have something revolutionary to look forward to, as an awesome new streaming service will record movie streams onto shiny discs and give consumers the opportunity to buy them and own them forever.The…
Apple Engineers Working Feverishly To Somehow Make Next iOS Update Even Worse
CUPERTINO, CA — Sources within Apple's Software Engineering Division confirmed that their team was working around the clock to make the next iOS update even worse than the current one."Yes, we know we set a pretty high bar in terms of…
Apple Introduces New IPhone For Your Other Hand
CUPERTINO, CA — The world's most popular and trendsetting tech manufacturer set the consumer world on fire once again this week, as Apple introduced a new iPhone for your other hand.In what was sure to quickly become the most viral trend of…
Experts Say AI Could Replace The Jobs Of Not Only Humans, But Also Lawyers
A startling new study says Artificial Intelligence may be close to replacing many jobs for humans, and many jobs occupied by lawyers as well. "AI is a wonderful tool that can help people in many amazing ways," explained lead researcher…
Microsoft Introduces Convenient New 47-Factor Authentication
SEATTLE, WA — The Microsoft Corporation announced today that they've developed a convenient new 47-factor authentication protocol for all Windows-enabled computers.A spokesperson for Microsoft said that the new unnecessarily complicated…
Thousands Of Potentially Career-Ending Posts Thwarted By Internet Outage
U.S. — Thanks to Tuesday's global Internet outage, tens of thousands of career-ending social media posts were thwarted.Approximately 32,420 racist or oddly sexual posts could not be published to the Internet today, sparing several careers…