theology
Theologians Now Believe Everyone Gets Their Own G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier In Heaven
CAMBRIDGE — A paper published by professors at the University of Cambridge affirmed a long-speculated theory about Heaven, that everyone gets their own G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier toy.Theologians Dr. Thomas Berry and Dr. Arthur Channels argued in…
Theologians Struggling To Explain How Loving God Could Allow Ohio
COLUMBUS, OH — The world's leading theologians admitted this week that they have been collectively struggling to find a good explanation for why a loving God could allow Ohio."It's become our most challenging question,"…
Pope Leo: ‘God Does Not Listen To People Who Wage War, So Long As You Don’t Count Moses, David, Joshua, Elijah, Saul, Gideon, Samson, Or Anyone Else In Bible’
VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo boldly proclaimed today that God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, so long as you don't count King David, or Joshua, or Gideon, or Samson, or Elijah, or Hezekiah, or any of those other people in…
Theologians Confirm Heaven’s Streets Of Gold Will Have No Cyclists
WORLD — The world's leading theologians weighed in on the nature of Heaven this week, confirming what many have long believed: Heaven's streets of gold will have no cyclists.The belief that Heaven's golden streets are strictly…
Theologians Believe Every Meal In Heaven Is Ice Cream In A Miniature Baseball Helmet
NOTRE DAME, IN — After a thought-provoking roundtable discussion, theologians at the University of Notre Dame concluded that every meal in Heaven is most likely ice cream in a miniature baseball helmet."It makes the most sense," said…
Man Condemned To Hell For Texting ‘LOL’ When He Didn’t Really Laugh Out Loud
HADES — Demons happily welcomed 27-year-old Jim Carole to Hell on Tuesday after he was immediately condemned to eternal damnation for texting "LOL" to a close friend when he didn't really laugh out loud."Ahh! It Burns! MY…
Rep. Michael Cloud Refutes Methodist Pastor on Theology
Scripture can both explain, amplify and inform public policy, but it’s also been known, at times, to be either misapplied or misinterpreted to make a point or advance an agenda. The Reverend Mariah Tollgaard was invited to testify on Wednesday…
Missionary on Hour Twelve of Trying to Get ChatGPT Saved
KISSIMMEE, FL — Sources close to missionary Keith Johnson reported that he had entered his twelfth hour of doing the Lord's work and trying to convert ChatGPT to Christianity.According to insiders, Johnson had been engrossed in detailed…
Introvert Samaritan Crosses To Other Side Of Street To Avoid Small Talk With Man Left For Dead
JERICHO — The victim of a local violent assault and robbery saw his predicament go from bad to worse today, as an introverted Samaritan reportedly crossed over to the other side of the road to avoid having to make small talk with a man who had…
Jesus Kinda Bummed He Was Born On December 25 And Now His Birthday Will Be Overshadowed By Christmas Every Year
CAPERNAUM — Reports surfaced this week that carpenter-turned-traveling teacher Jesus of Nazareth expressed disappointment with having to share a birthday with the biggest holiday of the year.Though He had built up a substantial following…