13 Things Safer To Give Your Kids Than A Smartphone

The kids are really begging for smartphones this Christmas, but we all know there are potential risks. In lieu of purchasing your child a smartphone, perhaps consider any of these 13 safer alternatives:

1. A jar of meth: Less addictive than a phone, and they might just clean the house while they’re up for 72 hours straight.

2. Measles: Painful, but odds are pretty good they’ll recover.

3. A real guillotine: Aw, look at the kids playing “French Revolution.”

4. Bag of broken glass: Infinitely safer than an iPhone, and cheaper too.

5. Starving pet lion: Make the safer choice for your kids. Buy a lion.

6. Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab Playset with radioactive uranium ore: It will poison them much slower than a phone.

7. Cyanide capsules: Boy, they look just like Tic-Tacs.

8. A completely black outfit to wear when they bike on street at night: Incredibly, still safer than a smartphone. Head for the freeway, kiddos.

9. Ride on OceanGate Titan submarine to see the Titanic: They’ve probably worked out the kinks.

10. The One Ring: Better off dealing with Nazgul than online predators.

11. A “Catch The Javelin” game: They’ll be fine, kids have amazing reflexes.

12. Suicide bomber vest: As long as they don’t press the red button.

13. Coupon for free trip on a Venezuelan speedboat: Maybe just settle for a flip phone.

Protect your kids from smartphones this year and consider any of these excellent, safer options.