PYONGYANG — History was made once again in the small but proud nation of North Korea, as longtime leader Kim Jong-Un’s political party claimed victory by winning over the populace with his trademark charisma, experience, and ability to shoot you in the face if you don’t vote for him.
Obtaining re-election with an astounding 99.93% of the vote, Kim’s party coasted to a landslide win on a platform that emphasized his unwavering commitment to serving the best interests of the North Korean people, his devotion to maintaining a strong national identity, and his standing threat to torture and murder any citizen who dares to vote for anyone else.
“Thank you for your support and for not forcing me to kill you,” Kim said in a national address following the election. “It means so much to my family and me that you would once again choose us to lead our people and our great nation. As always, it is my solemn pledge to you that I will do everything in my power to earn your loyalty, and my other solemn pledge is that if you are not loyal to me, I will see to it that you experience a most painful death. Thank you.”
Sources said Kim’s first priority after the election was to meet with the 0.07% of voters who did not vote for him, ask them to give him honest feedback as to why they voted the way they did, and then peel their skin from their bodies while they’re still alive before throwing them into a large pool of great white sharks.
At publishing time, Kim had also announced that the other guy who the 0.07% voted for would be launched by cannon into the DMZ.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
