World
Iran Wins $300 Billion Cash Prize For Placing Second In War
TEHRAN — The leadership of the Islamic Republic of Iran was reportedly overjoyed to learn they had won a grand total of $300 billion for coming second place in the war against the U.S.Despite suffering catastrophic damage, the Iranian leaders…
World Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Terrorists Promise To Be Good
WORLD — Citizens across the globe breathed a collective sigh of relief after learning that the government of Iran has promised to be good from here on out as part of the peace deal negotiated by President Donald Trump.The announcement came as…
Confused Biden Wanders Into G7 Summit
EVIAN, FRANCE — Years after wandering away from a G7 summit, a confused former President Joe Biden was seen wandering back into the G7 meeting in France this week. A gathering of top world leaders was in the middle of a high-stakes debate on…
Starmer Sets Up Commission To Respond To Attempted Beheading UPDATE: The Commission Has Been Beheaded
LONDON — According to sources, Prime Minister Keir Starmer set up a commission to discern how best to respond to the attempted beheading in Belfast. UPDATE: The members of the commission have been beheaded.Several prominent members of parliament…
Starmer To Irish: Let Us Not Bicker And Argue About Who Beheaded Whom
LONDON — Public uprisings in Ireland flared once again last night, as Irish citizens lashed out in anger following the attempted beheading of an Irishman by a Sudanese migrant, leading UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer to ask the Irish not to…
Keir Starmer Warns UK About Rise Of Murdererphobia
LONDON — Amid controversy stemming from the latest high-profile stabbing incident that took the life of a British citizen, Prime Minister Keir Starmer warned the United Kingdom about the rise of murderphobia.While the populace has grown…
10 Irrefutable Proofs Russia Is Better Than The U.S.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is…
Brits Wish There Were Some Kind Of Ranged Weapon That Shoots High-Velocity Ammunition To Protect Them From Knife Attacks
LONDON — As deadly stabbings continued to run unchecked across the United Kingdom, British citizens wished there were some kind of ranged weapon that shoots high-velocity ammunition to protect them from knife attacks.Facing frequent violent…
Satan Takes Credit For Raisins
HELL — Satan confirmed this week that he was, in fact, responsible for raisins.Speculation had run rampant for thousands of years of human history regarding the origin of the alleged "dried grapes," but the Father of Lies held a press…