World
Terrorists Feeling Dumb For Ramming Twin Towers When All They Had To Do Was Run For Mayor
AFGHANISTAN — Members of the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization are reportedly kicking themselves for all of the work they did pulling off 9/11 when they could have just run for mayor of New York City.Al-Qaeda leader (Emir) Saif al-Adel admitted to…
Iran Foils New Bombing Attack By Disguising Itself With A Giant ‘Q’
IRAN — U.S. Central Command attempted to launch another wave of strikes on Iran today, but it was called off last minute due to an inability to locate Iran."I thought I was flying right over Iran, ready to bomb them a new one," said…
Trump To Secure Strait Of Hormuz By Posting Old Man Who Asks You 3 Questions Before You May Pass
DOHA — With the U.S. blockade of the important waterway back on amid renewed hostilities in Iran, President Donald Trump announced that he would secure the Strait of Hormuz by posting an old man who asks you three questions before you may…
UK Finally Gets Tough By Increasing Penalty For Terrorism To 5 Hours Of Community Service
LONDON — The United Kingdom finally decided to crack down on extremist violence, increasing the penalty for terrorist attacks to five hours of community service.In the wake of terrorists having assassinated another Conservative leader, the…
U.S., Iran Meet For Emergency Summit To See If Anyone Remembers Why They’re Fighting
DOHA — The United States and Iran convened an emergency summit in Qatar to see if anyone remembers why the two countries are at war.As the two nations traded missile strikes yesterday, representatives of each country reportedly phoned the other…
President Trump Officially Invites Nation Of Belgium To Cry Harder
U.S. — On Monday afternoon, President Donald Trump issued an official invitation to the nation of Belgium to cry harder.Trump asked special envoy Jared Kushner to hand-deliver the invitation, signed by Trump and marked with the presidential…
America Offers To Help Cool Off Planet By Opening Windows And Lowering AC To 65
U.S. — With several areas across the globe battling record high temperatures, Americans have graciously offered to help by turning their air conditioning down to 65 degrees and opening the windows.Several European counties, unable to afford air…
American Missionaries Dispatched To Europe To Spread The Good News About Air Conditioning
BRANDENBURG — Missionaries from the greatest country on earth were seen going door to door throughout Europe, spreading the good news of air conditioning.Europeans reported having unsettling meetings with friendly Americans who wanted nothing…
James Bond Granted License To Kill Anyone With An Air Conditioner
LONDON — In an effort to modernize MI6 for the eco-conscious era, the British government announced that the organization had officially granted James Bond a license to kill anyone with an air conditioner.The Double-O Section confirmed that…
7 Tips For Europeans To Stay Cool Without Air Conditioning
Europeans typically do without air conditioning, presumably because they are perpetually stuck in the Dark Ages and far more interested in burning witches to appease the environment gods. But given the current heat wave, millions of Europeans…