SEATTLE, WA — According to sources, local man Richard Stevenson prefers to take his coffee cold and with milk like a little baby.
While grown men are widely known to drink black coffee, insiders confirmed that Stevenson likes to have copious amounts of ice, milk, and sugary flavors added to his coffee, much in the way tiny little infants do.
“Oh, look at this little fellah pretending to drink coffee like a big boy,” Alice, a Starbucks barista, said as she took Stevenson’s order. “Will that make the wittle baby feel wike a big stwong man?”
Stevenson has long been the laughing stock of area coffee shops for his feeble taste in coffee. He reportedly never much cared for the taste of coffee, but instead of manning up and drinking it hot and black, he insists on ordering it ice cold with a lot of milk to hide the taste, just like a small, helpless child.
Coffee is a rite of passage for adults, separating the babies from the men, according to adult experts. However, there are cases, such as with Stevenson, in which people simply never grow up to be responsible adults and can’t handle the taste of a good hot cup of coffee.
“Now that’s a good cup of coffee,” Stevenson lied to himself as he took a long sip of his heavily flavored, milk-diluted, iced coffee.
At publishing time, Richard Stevenson had asked for a refund for his ice-cold coffee with milk because it tasted too much like coffee.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
