WASHINGTON, D.C. — The wins just keep on coming, according to President Donald Trump, who bragged to the media on Friday that oil was never worth this much under former President Joe Biden.
“Oil was worthless under Sleepy Joe, but I’ve turned it into liquid gold,” Trump reportedly said. “You know, the cowboys called it ‘liquid gold,’ did you know that? Liquid gold. But now it really is.”
According to sources, no one in the president’s cabinet had a chance to tell him that the high cost of oil was bad because he started talking about The Beverly Hillbillies and other media that mentioned oil.
“Did you ever see There Will Be Blood? Daniel Day-Lewis was in love with the stuff,” Trump continued. “You know, I wonder if he was married to it. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! Remember that? I DRINK IT UP!”
Despite Trump’s victory lap, polling numbers showed that the American people remain unsatisfied with the cost of oil. In fact, there appears to be a direct correlation between Trump’s falling approval numbers and the surge in gas prices. “I can’t afford to drive to work,” said Trevor Lorne of Delaware. “How am I supposed to feed my family?”
When asked what Trump thought about how people are reacting, he dismissed it as Trump Derangement Syndrome. “I’m the most pro-business president ever. Oil companies love me,” he said. “Maybe people who don’t like it should build their own oil derricks. They’d make a fortune.”
At publishing time, Trump had issued an executive order commemorating the record oil prices under his administration.
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