HEAVEN — According to angelic sources, Heaven offers special perks for people who dress up nice for church.
Changing into your “Sunday clothes” has long been a point of contention in modern evangelical Christianity, as many questioned the “why” of it all. But today it was confirmed that anyone who dresses up nice for church while on Earth receives exclusive special perks to which other, more slovenly saints do not have access.
“It’s nice to know it actually does count for something,” said one churchgoer who’d been wearing a three-piece suit to church his whole life. “I even dressed up during the summer heat and, let me tell you, that wasn’t fun. But it looks like it’s all going to pay off.”
People who dress up nice for church reportedly receive a special platinum card upon reaching the pearly gates, bestowed by Saint Peter himself. “I didn’t have a chance to dress up nice for church, but my loss is your gain,” Peter was heard telling a new arrival. “This platinum card gets you exclusive access to our special Platinum Heaven room, where the streets are actually platinum instead of gold.”
Heavenly perks for the well-dressed include, but are not limited to, early seating at the marriage supper of the Lamb, free dry cleaning, and a fast pass that gets you to the front of the line of all heavenly attractions.
At publishing time, angelic sources clarified that the perks are null and void for anyone who feels a sense of superiority by dressing up nice for church.
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