Politicians Begin Offering Tucker Carlson $1 Million To Not Endorse Them

U.S. — Following news that Senator Thomas Massie had lost his bid for re-election, several politicians have reportedly begun offering media personality Tucker Carlson up to $1 million dollars if he agrees not to endorse them.

Seen as a death sentence for their political aspirations, Carlson has turned his newfound unpopularity into a money making machine.

“You know, as an American — which I am, I’m an American — I have freedom of speech, so people can’t tell me what I can or can’t say,” Carlson said. “Although they can pay me. They can pay me a lot! HAHAHAHA! Money!”

According to Tucker Carlson Network CEO Neil Patel, $1 million gets politicians out of an endorsement, but it costs $2 million to keep Carlson from mentioning them at all.

“Massie was the canary in the gold mine,” Representative Lauren Boebert said. “After that devastating loss — I couldn’t pay Tucker fast enough. Drained my whole campaign account.”

Carlson said he’s received so much money he could construct a gigantic vault and swim around in cash like Scrooge McDuck. “But I would never do that,” Carlson said. “Swimming around in your own money is a sin. Period. And that offends me as a Christian. Period.”

At publishing time, President Xi offered Tucker Carlson all the tea in China if he would “prease” stop endorsing him.