Everyone In Chicago Shot Over The Weekend

CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Police Department confirmed on Tuesday morning that every single resident of the city had been shot over the long holiday weekend.

According to officials, the shootings began on Friday evening and did not stop until 100 percent of the population had sustained at least one bullet wound. Hospital staff reported that waiting rooms were somewhat crowded as approximately 2.6 million people arrived at the same time to seek medical treatment.

“It was a busy few days,” said police spokesperson Thomas Dewey while receiving medical treatment for a gunshot wound. “We generally expect a spike in activity during the warmer months, but the complete and total victimization of the entire municipal population was a bit higher than our internal projections.”

City leaders noted that despite the massive injuries, public transit remained operational and municipal offices opened on time Tuesday morning. Residents were seen commuting to work with ice packs, slings, and various levels of bandages, ready to face the increased likelihood of being shot again.

At publishing time, Mayor Brandon Johnson urged citizens to remain calm and emphasized that the city was still entirely safe for tourism, provided visitors wear full body armor and avoid the corporate limits.