Graham Platner Reassures Voters That There Are Probably Only 14 Or 15 More Horrific Revelations To Come

SULLIVAN, ME — Following yet another scandal that engulfed his campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in Maine, Democrat Graham Platner reassured voters that there were probably only 14 or 15 more horrific revelations to come.

In a damning article featured in The New York Times, Platner’s former girlfriends accused him of emotional volatility, heavy drinking, infidelity, demeaning remarks, and constantly leaving the toilet seat up, among other despicable acts. After the story broke, Platner issued a statement to simultaneously deny the allegations and promise voters that just slightly more than a dozen more terrible scandals would come out before the November election.

“I’m fairly confident it’ll be less than 20,” Platner said in the statement. “I know that all of these shocking accusations have cast me in a somewhat negative light, but I can promise my supporters and anyone else who might be on the fence about voting for me that there are probably only 14 or so horrible stories left to come out about me. Fifteen, tops. I think.”

Despite the latest scandal, Platner remained committed to staying in the race. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “After the Nazi tattoo thing, the hateful social media posts, the sexting deal, and now the story about me saying I would rape anyone who broke into my home in a non-gay way, there’s nothing else they can throw at me that will make me look any worse. Except maybe a half-dozen or so really horrible things nobody knows about yet. Maybe a full dozen. Or more. Maybe. Who knows?”

At publishing time, four more awful scandals involving Platner had been brought to light before lunch.