Democrats Vow to Reform ICE So It Only Deports Immigrants Who Love America

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats were getting out the vote early ahead of the November midterms, pledging to reform U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) so it only deports immigrants who love America.

Democratic leaders shifted away from calls to abolish ICE in favor of wielding them to target immigrants who believe in the American dream.

“We all agree that the border must be enforced in some capacity. A country without borders is not a country at all,” said Senate Minority Leader Senator Chuck Schumer. “But, whether someone entered the country illegally or not, we shouldn’t be so careless as to separate them from their families or cost them their livelihood unless they love America.”

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said he was already working on a bill together that, if signed into law, would prevent ICE from deporting anyone who hates America or is, at the very least, ambivalent toward it.

“Loving the United States is the only crime that should be punishable by deportation,” Jeffries explained. “America is not the place for loving America, and we won’t stand for it.”

Immigration experts warned, however, that if ICE deported only immigrants who love America, the nation would eventually morph into a sort of Islamic theocracy, an outcome the Democrats welcome.

At publishing time, Democrats had reportedly already compiled an extensive list of European soccer fans who loved America and would be the first to be hunted down by ICE.