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Justice Clarence Thomas Confirms Comstock Act Bans Mail-Order Abortions
Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 7-2 to extend an administrative block on a preliminary lower court ruling and keep mail-order access to the chemical abortion drug Mifepristone available while litigation continues. Thursday’s extension of…
Netanyahu: We Will Sue NYT for Exposé Alleging Sexual Torture in Israeli Prisons
Israel is planning to sue The New York Times over a shocking report that Israeli prison officials are sexually torturing Palestinian prisoners.Opinion columnist Nicholas Kristof’s 3,500-word exposé graphically details mind-boggling cruelty,…
Millennial Figures Out How To Use ‘6-7,’ Signaling The End Of The Fad
FT. WORTH, TX — Local millennial Chad McCallister finally figured out how to appropriately use "6-7" in casual conversation, thus effectively ending the popularity of the fad.Experts confirmed that the internet meme, slang, and hand…
Nation Just Realized Chelsea Handler Has Been Trying To Be Funny This Whole Time
U.S. — According to overnight reports, a dumbfounded nation at last realized that Chelsea Handler has actually been trying to be funny this whole time.Despite all appearances to the contrary, Handler had reportedly been attempting to be funny…
Supreme Court Restores Access to Mail-Order Abortion Pills While Legal Fight Continues
The Supreme Court Thursday granted a stay blocking enforcement of a lower court ruling that would have restricted access to the abortion pill mifepristone by mail. The Court’s decision allows abortionists to continue prescribing mifepristone…
Lib Politician Pushes Mass Migration, Then Loses Nomination to Immigrant. Now He Alleges Vote Fraud.
Some would call it “progress.” Others would say it’s poetic justice or being hoist with your own petard. Whatever you call it, it certainly is ironic.First, a liberal Canadian politician pushes mass Third World migration because, well,…
Trump Admits Attacking Iran Was for Israel, Wants Half a Million Chinese Students at U.S. Universities
President Trump has finally admitted what everyone has known about the unconstitutional war against Iran: The U.S. attacked the country for Israel.Trump confessed the truth to Israel-first Fox talker Sean Hannity, who interviewed Trump during…
Lakewood Church To Be Renamed ‘DraftKings Arena’ Following Branding Deal
HOUSTON, TX — Lakewood Church officially announced that it would be changing its name to DraftKings Arena as part of a lucrative new branding deal.Pastor Joel Osteen confirmed the rebranding during a midweek service in which he detailed…
Disney Purchases Rights To ‘Robot Jox’ Franchise In Blockbuster $7 Billion Deal
BURBANK, CA — In a surprise movie, The Walt Disney Company announced that it had acquired the rights to the 1990 film Robot Jox in a massive $7 billion deal."The prayers of millions of fans have finally been answered," Disney CEO Josh…
White House Launches Moms.Gov Directing Women to Pregnancy Resource Centers
On Mother’s Day, the White House announced the creation of Mom.gov, an innovative website connecting new and expectant mothers with pregnancy resource centers and other helpful information. However, the website also directs women to drugs and…