Health
Man Who Ate At Taco Bell Getting More Baja Blast Than He Bargained For
DOWNEY, CA — According to witnesses, a man eating at Taco Bell received quite a bit more Baja Blast than he had been counting on.Just moments after finishing a Crunchwrap Supreme and Mountain Dew Baja Blast, local man Richard Plummer caused…
Taco Bell Releases New Imodium A-D Sauce Packets To Combat Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak
U.S. — Fast-food giant Taco Bell introduced Imodium A-D sauce packets to help customers combat the explosive diarrhea caused by consuming the restaurant chain's food.With the cyclospora outbreak traced back to lettuce served by Taco Bell,…
CDC Advises Those With Diarrhea Parasite To Stay Within Six Feet Of Toilet
ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an official recommendation this morning that those stricken with explosive diarrhea from the parasitic infection outbreak stay within six feet of a toilet at all times.The new…
Health Safety Tip: Before Consuming Lettuce, Try Being A Man And Eating Real Food
U.S. — In the wake of thousands falling ill due to parasitic infection from fresh produce, health experts are cautioning that before consuming lettuce, citizens should first try being a man and eating real food. According to officials, actual…
Explosive Diarrhea Epidemic Traced To Gain-Of-Function Lab At Taco Bell Institute
IRVINE, CA — Though initial reports indicated that the recent cyclosporiasis outbreak had happened naturally through people consuming produce contaminated with parasites, officials announced on Wednesday that the explosive diarrhea epidemic had…
PSA: Over 450,000 People Die Each Year While Lost In Their Hoodies And Being Unable To Find The Head Hole
ATLANTA, GA — Health officials issued an urgent public warning Thursday, revealing that over 450,000 people lose their lives annually due to becoming completely lost inside their own hoodies.Officials said this phenomenon can affect anyone at…
Absolutely Shredded Guy Reveals His Secret Is Water Aerobics
ORLANDO, FL — After years of being admired for his absolutely shredded physique, local man Chris Kolaski finally revealed that his secret to looking like a Greek god was water aerobics.Kolaski attributed his 8-pack abs, bulging biceps, and…
All Of Man’s Trauma In Adulthood Can Be Traced Back To Watching ‘The Secret Of NIMH’ As A Child
SAN JOSE, CA — After years of therapy, a local man finally achieved a major breakthrough in determining the source of his trauma: watching Don Bluth's The Secret of NIMH from 1982.William Strauss suffered an emotional breakdown just over…
McDonald’s Brings Back Original Recipe Apple Pies With Cocaine In Them
CHICAGO, IL — In a bid to capture vintage nostalgia, McDonald's has announced the return of its true, original-recipe apple pies. The company confirmed the legendary dessert will once again feature the secret ingredient from its initial…
Therapist Working With Chewbacca On Alternative Coping Mechanisms Besides Pulling People’s Arms Out Of Socket
KASHYYYK — A therapist working with famed Star Wars icon Chewbacca told his colleagues this week that he was trying to teach the Wookiee how to deal with his anger issues in more constructive ways that don't involve ripping people's…