Health
What Luck! Dr. Fauci Announces He’s Been Working On Hantavirus Vaccine This Whole Time
ROCKVILLE, MD — Hantavirus has quickly become the biggest viral threat to humanity since COVID and as luck would have it, Dr. Fauci has announced that he has been working on a hantavirus vaccine this entire time. How convenient!Even though Dr.…
Goodyear Blimp Barely Recognizable After Going On Ozempic
CARSON, CA — The famous Goodyear Blimp has become nearly unrecognizable after starting the popular weight-loss drug Ozempic.The blimp could be seen hovering around Southern California, looking withered and thin after losing an impressive 50,000…
New York Offers To House Hantavirus Patients In Nursing Homes
MANHATTAN — The State of New York has graciously offered to allow American hantavirus patients to stay in any of their local nursing homes.With seventeen Americans being ordered into quarantine due to hantavirus exposure, Governor Hochul…
Dr. Fauci Reports Amazing Results In Gain-Of-Function Research At New Cruise Ship Laboratory
CANARY ISLANDS — Dr. Anthony Fauci announced today that he has achieved a remarkable breakthrough in gain-of-function research at his mobile laboratory aboard a cruise ship.Fauci reportedly is working on using rats as vectors for a different…
10 New Additions To Trump’s Presidential Fitness Test
President Donald Trump announced this week that he was reinstating the Presidential Fitness Test to evaluate the physical health of America's public school students.To prepare the nation's youth, the White House has released the…
McDonald’s Adds New Ozempic McFlurry
U.S. — Fast food giant McDonald's unveiled the latest addition to its menu today, unveiling the all-new Ozempic McFlurry.Made with semaglutide crushed and mixed into the creamy soft-serve vanilla goodness, the new Ozempic McFlurry was sure…
Hobbit On Diet Cuts Back To Four Meals A Day
BYWATER — A particularly plump hobbit named Elanor Bolger has decided to go on a diet, cutting back from her usual six meals a day to a measly four meals a day.Hobbits are known for eating six meals a day, including breakfast, second breakfast,…
American Society Of Plastic Surgeons Recommends No Longer Doing Those Surgeries That No One Was Doing
U.S. — The American Society of Plastic Surgeons has officially recommended that surgeons stop doing those gender surgeries on minors that absolutely no one was doing.The organization issued its official guidance today, stating that the evidence…
‘Just Complete This 50 Page Questionnaire,’ Says Hospital Clerk To Man With Axe Embedded In Skull
TOPEKA, KS — A kindly hospital clerk asked local man Jonathan Arnold to please fill out the brief 50-page intake form, promising they would then get right to addressing the axe embedded in his skull.The clerk then asked for Arnold's…
US Drug Overdose Deaths Plummet 20%, 30% in Some States: Report
The border got tougher — and suddenly the death toll started dropping. Drug overdose deaths in the United States fell by more than 20% last year, according to the latest CDC data — a sharp drop that comes as President Donald Trump ramps up his…