Health
‘Just Complete This 50 Page Questionnaire,’ Says Hospital Clerk To Man With Axe Embedded In Skull
TOPEKA, KS — A kindly hospital clerk asked local man Jonathan Arnold to please fill out the brief 50-page intake form, promising they would then get right to addressing the axe embedded in his skull.The clerk then asked for Arnold's…
US Drug Overdose Deaths Plummet 20%, 30% in Some States: Report
The border got tougher — and suddenly the death toll started dropping. Drug overdose deaths in the United States fell by more than 20% last year, according to the latest CDC data — a sharp drop that comes as President Donald Trump ramps up his…
Overdose Deaths Plunge Nationwide, Biggest Drop in Decades
For the first time in decades, America’s overdose nightmare is backing off. New federal data released Wednesday shows U.S. overdose deaths fell throughout most of last year, signaling what could be a lasting improvement in an epidemic that had…
Democrats Respond To RFK With New Food Pentagram
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to the new food pyramid released Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Democrats have released an alternative food pentagram.The pentagram breaks down the recommended diet into five primary food groups, advising Americans to eat…
Liberals Begin Chugging Everclear At 7 A.M. To Protest RFK’s Warning Of Drinking At Breakfast
U.S. — In a powerful protest against Robert F. Kennedy Junior's caution against drinking alcohol at breakfast, liberals have begun chugging bottles of Everclear at 7 a.m. every single morning."We'll show you, RFK!" shouted…
Parenting Tip: Limit Your Child To Just 4 Hours Of Brain Rot Slop Each Day
U.S. — Experts are now recommending parents limit their children to just four hours of brain-rotting slop each day to better prepare them for the future.Pediatricians are encouraging parents to limit the time their kids spend staring blankly at…
Planet Fitness Offering Convenient New Two-Week Membership For New Year’s
HAMPTON, NH — As millions resolve to briefly get back in shape, Planet Fitness announced a convenient new two-week gym membership just in time for the New Year's holiday.According to sources, the New Year's holiday is the busiest time…
Trump Eases Marijuana Restrictions After Reviewing Extensive Research By Dr. S. Dogg
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday softening the federal stance on marijuana after extensively reviewing notes from a "Dr. S. Dogg.""Drugs are bad. Always say no to drugs. But…
Shire Doctors Link High Cancer Rate To Use Of Pipeweed
MICHEL DELVING — According to the Gaffer, medical professionals published a paper linking the high rate of cancer among Hobbits to the smoking of pipeweed, a correlation he called "queer.""I read a paper about it, I did, and they…
Flintstones Vitamins With Ozempic Now Available For Fat Kids
MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids."This has been a long time coming," Bayer spokesman Scott Thomspon…