Imagine you are applying for a highly competitive job, and someone says, “I can tell you how to be more competitive than 98 percent of the other applicants.” Would you be interested?
Let’s say he adds: “It’s not hard, but you may not like it.” Perhaps it’s something like wearing a coat and tie to your interview, and you hate wearing a coat and tie. I’m with you on that, but if you really want the job, wouldn’t you make that little extra effort? Or would you complain? “Why should I wear a coat and tie? Coats and ties are stupid! If they want a coat and tie, the heck with them.”
Now again, I’m with you on the coat and tie thing, but really? Do you want the job or not? If not, fine. But don’t whine about not having a job or how life is so unfair.
Why this little story? Well, I am about to offer some advice to young men on courtship and dating, and some may find parts of it annoying.
Years ago, I wrote a column, inspired, as this one is, by conversations with young Catholic women engaged in the ghastly business of going on Catholic dating web sites, which they were forced to do because, otherwise, there was no dating going on for them.
In that article, I suggested that the serious, orthodox, beautiful, family-oriented young Catholic woman I knew – I knew quite a few (still do) – were not interested in men who advertised online for “traditional” Catholic wives.
“Not interested” is a euphemism. Feelings were much stronger. Some men found that article annoying. One woman thought I was “white knighting.” I didn’t know that expression. Fortunately, one woman who had inspired the article wrote to say: “I told him that!”
So look, it’s no skin off my nose. My younger self made plenty of stupid mistakes (still do). But God was kind, and I have a great wife. So take this advice with a grain of salt. But if the things you’re doing aren’t working, then maybe you should try something else.
Okay, so according to my very unscientific survey, the results of which I have confirmed with many young Catholic women, here is how you could put yourself ahead of 97 or 98 percent of the rest of the crowd. It comes down to this:
Get a job.
Don’t live with your parents.
Don’t spend all your time playing video games.
Don’t surf for porn.
Don’t swear every other word.
Don’t be a weird fanatic.
Have some skill, either working out or fixing things or something similar.
Be interested in something other than the one thing you think you know something about.
Be a gentleman.
That’s it. Nothing expensive. You don’t need James Bond suits or cars. Being a “player” will not interest these women. You don’t need to be a CEO. But you need to show that you have the discipline to get a job and finish a task. You need to be devoted to something other than yourself. And you need to be courageous, willing to take some risks. When people call and need help, you need to be the one who goes.
Some of those things may annoy you. “What’s wrong with video games?” Nothing necessarily. Please don’t write and tell me: “I know a guy who met his wife playing video games!” I do too. One guy. I know guys who met their wives on an airplane. I’m not recommending guys do more air travel. That’s not how you put yourself in the top group for most Catholic women. I met my wife in a coffee shop. Drinking more coffee won’t necessarily get you a wife either.
“What’s wrong with swearing? I know women who swear a lot!” I do too. Are you dating them?
“Why do I need a job? If you’re asking me that, it would be best for all concerned if you just stayed off Catholic dating sites. So too, if you say, “Don’t want kids – ever!”
Please understand. You live in a culture that has largely left young men and women systematically unprepared for courtship and marriage. That’s tragic. I wish things were different. But you must play the hand you’ve been dealt.
If you prefer not to take any of this advice, fine. It might work out. But if not, please don’t whine about the problem or, for heaven’s sake, complain about women. And don’t become an Andrew Tate idiot. That’s a surefire way never to find a decent woman with whom to share your life and love.
Who takes dating advice from a theology professor? Pretty much no one. But these are things I’ve heard from a lot of young women who would already be married if there were any guys around ready for prime time.
If you don’t believe me, ask men who have been happily married for ten or more years – especially those with daughters – and see what they say. How about prayer? Do plenty of that.
But remember, wives don’t show up on your doorstep because you put in an order with Amazon. Courting a good woman is a gift and a task. The task is that you need to earn her trust by becoming a person worthy of that trust. That’s also the gift.
I expect some people will be annoyed by this advice. I can hear some guys complain: Don’t women need to hear some of these things and get some advice? Perhaps. But that’s not my job. I’m a guy. That is a job for a wise, older woman who can give advice to her younger peers.
Besides, my one other piece of advice to young men would be this: Don’t try to give advice to young women and don’t complain about them. This is like when the park ranger tells you not to poke a grizzly bear. It can serve no good purpose. And whatever might make you think it’s a good idea, it’s not.
