HOUSTON, TX — Local man Matthew Coggins lit up a cigar this afternoon in a bid to feel terribly nauseous while simultaneously causing his wife to find him utterly repulsive.
With his stomach feeling perfectly normal as he enjoyed a nice day with his wife, Coggins decided to put a stop to all that by lighting up a full-bodied cigar.
“This should do the trick,” said Coggins as he watched his wife’s face melt into disgust. “My wife will want nothing to do with me and I’ll be feeling awful in no time. I went with a really dark Camacho just to be sure I feel wretchedly ill.”
As Coggins puffed away, his plan appeared to be working to perfection. “Oh yeah, the nausea is already setting in,” said Coggins smiling. “My wife find me totally unattractive and has banished me outside for the rest of the day. I’ll probably have to shower at a friend’s house before she even lets me back inside. I might need to vomit first, though. This is working even better than I hoped.”
At publishing time, Coggins had ordered Taco Bell via DoorDash to really seal the deal.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
