SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom announced the signing of an executive order that allocates over $900 million of additional funding to the California Department of Parks and Recreation for the purpose of setting up porta-potties for black bears.
According to the California Department of Fish and Wildlife (CDFW), there are approximately 60,000 black bears living in California, and they all need somewhere to go to the bathroom.
“The grizzly is gone from California. Completely wiped out,” Governor Newsom said. “I don’t want that to happen to the black bear. They need porta-potties. They need somewhere to do their business. This is the logical solution.”
In addition to giving bears a safe space to evacuate their bowels, Newsom argued that porta-potties are more sanitary. “All the porta-potties we’re setting up have sinks. I don’t want black bears getting dysentery because they didn’t wash their hands,” he said.
Critics contended that the California Black Bear, also known as the American Black Bear, is a wild animal and doesn’t need to use a toilet to do their business. However, Newsom feels it’s better to be safe than sorry. “If they have nowhere to go to the bathroom, they might hold their bladder forever until it explodes,” he said. “That could be fatal.”
California Republicans accused Newsom of partaking in blatant fraud. “Gavin is padding his pockets while the people of California suffer,” said gubernatorial hopeful Chad Bianco. “As governor, I would never spend money on porta-potties for bears. In fact, I would kill them all before they have a chance to eat us. It’s one of my core policies.”
At publishing time, attacks by wildlife increased by over 30% after bears kept finding people using their porta-potties.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
