Trump Hard At Work Coming Up With Insulting Plaque For Rutherford B. Hayes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After writing gloriously disparaging plaques for dozens of subpar presidents in the White House’s “Presidential Walk of Fame,” Trump was reportedly working late into the night to come up with a sufficiently insulting plaque for Rutherford B. Hayes.

“Hayes? Are we sure he was even a president?” Trump asked his aides, apparently having a hard time thinking of anything bad to say about the guy. “Hayes. That sounds fake. Someone show me his Wikipedia page.”

Research showed Hayes is considered a below-average president from Ohio who didn’t really accomplish anything of note.

“Hayes didn’t even win the popular vote. Sad!” Trump was overheard saying. “Wow, what a loser. And who names their kid ‘Rutherford,’ anyway?”

After a late-night writing session, Trump finalized the following plaque for Hayes:

Rutherford B. Hayes — folks, total disaster, okay? Nobody knew who he was, nobody remembers him, and that’s for a reason, frankly. Nobody liked this guy. This guy didn’t even win his election, it was basically stolen, because he was a loser. He comes in after Ulysses S. Grant, who is a really tough guy to follow, but Hayes looked like a total nerd, no charisma, low energy, it was horrible. Then he ended Reconstruction, abandoned the South, made everyone so mad, you’ve never seen people this mad. Then he just retired and hoped we’d all forget how terrible and horrible he was. Trust me, if I were president back then, it would’ve been tremendous — record-setting, beautiful elections, people cheering — but Hayes? Total forgettable loser, low-energy Rutherford, one of the worst. Not as bad as Sleepy Joe, but pretty bad.

At publishing time, Trump was having even more trouble coming up with a good plaque for Warren G. Harding.