ST. PAUL, MN — In response to growing allegations of fraud tied to Minnesota’s Somali community, Governor Tim Walz announced he had awarded an $8 billion grant to a Somali company to find the perpetrators.
“I’m sparing no expense to find those responsible,” Governor Walz announced. “That’s why I’m consulting with a Somali private detective agency. They know when to run a mean pick-six.”
“They also run a nifty daycare center,” he added.
To date, approximately $18 billion has been lost to fraud in Minnesota through fake social service programs run by Somalis, some of whom may be in the country illegally. Walz hopes to get to the bottom of the scandal with a lucrative grant to the newly formed Osman Farah Private Eye Detective Agency for Finding Welfare Fraud
“Look at me. Look at me. I am the detective now,” said Detective Osman Farah.
Democrats praised Walz for rising above politics to get to the bottom of the fraud case. “Well, I’m convinced,” said Minnesota Congressional Representative Ilhan Omar. “Nothing to see here. As usual, America is the real villain.”
Previously, Republicans questioned Walz’s leadership throughout the Somali daycare fraud scandal, even going so far as to suggest he’s involved. Now, however, they’re certain he’s just mentally handicapped and unable to run an elaborate money laundering scheme himself.
“We should probably have him arrested, but honestly, this is all so entertaining,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said as he ate a bag of popcorn while watching the news. “Ha, they just found another billion. Hilarious.”
At publishing time, Somali detectives announced they were close to cracking the case and just needed another $8 billion in funds to be sure.
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