‘Why Won’t Conservatives Give Up Their Guns?’ Ask The People Shooting At Them

U.S. — A new poll suggested ongoing confusion as to why conservatives won’t give up their guns among those who keep shooting at them.

“I don’t get it,” said one violent left-wing activist. “It’s like they want to be able to defend themselves or something.”

According to the Gallup poll, approximately 97% of armed assailants expressed surprise and bewilderment that conservatives won’t simply lay down their arms and allow themselves to be controlled or openly attacked.

Meanwhile, conservatives were reportedly more enthusiastic than ever to buy more guns. “I want to be able to defend myself and my family,” said local conservative Gary Russell. “I mean, people who disagree with me want me and everyone like me to die, so it’s a good idea to have protection.”

Democratic leaders likewise expressed dismay that conservatives would continue to refuse to disarm themselves in the face of open, murderous hostility. “What surprises me most about conservatives is that they aren’t afraid of guns,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Despite the fact that people are aiming guns at them and trying to kill them, they still want to have guns of their own. It’s troubling.”

At publishing time, liberals expressed further surprise that people being victimized by political violence wanted them to stop calling for political violence.