NINEVAH — Eyewitnesses from Ninevah report that the entire wretched, depraved city was convicted and led to repent of its sin as Jonah quietly played the piano.
Sources say that Jonah preached a thunderous, scathing sermon on the city’s blatant sin before closing with a call for the citizens of Ninevah to repent and come to the altar as he quietly played the piano.
“Jonah sat down from his call to repentance and began playing the piano, sweetly riffing a version of ‘Softly and Tenderly,” said Shadratham the Ninevite, brushing away contrite tears. “Then suddenly, unexpectedly, every single resident of Ninevah was stricken with an overpowering sense of his or her own guilt and the absolute holiness of Jonah’s God. The king came forward, weeping, and declared a time of fasting in sackcloth and ashes for the entire city. Jonah just played on quietly until every single person in the city had come forward in repentance.”
According to Jonah, the city’s repentance was entirely God’s work.
“I did what any good preacher would do,” Jonah said, adjusting the shade of a nearby plant to cover his face. “‘Softly and Tenderly’ works like a charm.”
At publishing time, Jonah had checked back in on Ninevah two weeks later, only to find that 95% of the newly repentant converts had lapsed back into unbelief.
Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?
