Man Longs For Good Old Days When Black Friday Shopping Was Done In Person And Everyone Feared For Their Lives

BEAUMONT, TX — Local man Michael Strong looked wistfully out the window, longing for the good old days when Black Friday shopping was all in person and people feared for their very lives.

Clicking a mouse to order a new bluetooth speaker, Strong sighed, pining for the times when scoring a deal on electronics meant taking on the real risk of shedding this mortal coil.

“It’s just not the same,” said Strong. “We used to spend Thanksgiving week getting our affairs in order, making sure our will was up to date. Then came Black Friday, and you were up at 2 a.m. to get in line, spending the wee hours of the morning chatting with the people you would soon try to kill. You never knew if you’d be coming home with a flatscreen or coming home in a body bag. Now here I am, ordering things online, not trampling over the body of a single person. It’s like they say: you never knew you were living in the good old days until they’re gone.”

Retail employees have likewise expressed a sense of loss around Black Friday. “We used to have to get here at midnight to set up security,” said Best Buy employee Sarah Danube. “When those doors opened, all hell would break loose. The screams, the shattering of glass, the deadly stampede of humanity… such memories! We didn’t know how good we had it. Those were the days.”

At publishing time, Rogers had asked a guy at Academy if he wanted to have a fist fight over a basketball goal, for old time’s sake.