SAN CARLOS, CA — A person who apparently hates you got your kid a recorder for Christmas.
The unsettling fact was made evident on Thursday, as your child opened an innocent Christmas gift addressed to them that turned out to be a recorder, making it clear and in no uncertain terms that someone hates you with a rage that burns hotter than the sun.
“You may have thought this Christmas was going to be a nice, quiet one,” someone you thought was one of your dear friends reportedly said. “But, little did you realize, I had this planned for some time. I hate you. And I’m proving it by gifting your child a recorder. Enjoy your slow descent into madness.”
As your child unwrapped the gift, you took a deep breath and waited for the inevitable din of bleating and blaring and squawking that was about to invade your house and infect and permeate every quiet, solitary inch of your life, your brain, and your thoughts.
NEEEEEEEE REEEEEEE HEEEEEEEE
“This present is my favorite!” exclaimed your child, in the last few words of human speech you’d hear for the rest of the week, clearly unaware that they had been turned into an instrument of torment and anguish by someone who despises you.
“How could they do this to us? I thought they loved us,” your wife sobbed quietly while your child marched ever onward, blowing sounds out of the recorder that signalled the arrival of your own personal apocalypse.
At publishing time, it had been confirmed that your cries for mercy would go unheard.
These friendly Christian extremists have gotten out of hand.
