TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump’s direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran’s new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff.
As part of Operation Hot Hoff, SEAL Team Six reportedly trained night and day for weeks ahead of a planned ground incursion in which they strategically set up a cardboard cutout of David Hasselhoff designed to look lost and in need of male companionship.
It was only a matter of time before Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, who sources indicated was gay, fell for the devious trap and was eliminated.
“No one can resist The Hoff,” Trump said. “Even I get kind of hot and bothered thinking about him, and there’s no one straighter than me, believe me. He was in Knight Rider, you know. Had a talking car. Not many people remember that, but I do. Not even Elon could make that car. Maybe he can. I should call him.”
According to Pentagon officials, at approximately 0400, the gay ayatollah exited his bunker to offer food and shelter to the handsome cardboard cutout. “Come, rest your muscles with my underground man harem,” Khamenei reportedly said before being blown to bits. “It must be hard running up and down the beach all day.”
Fox News personality Sean Hannity reported on the successful attack just hours later, calling it the most “explosive display of 4D chess” he’d ever seen. “Few presidents in our nation’s great history could pull off such a feat,” he said. “Maybe Calvin Coolidge. Man, that guy was cool. But he didn’t have David Hasselhoff.”
At publishing time, the death of the gay supreme leader was celebrated by the Iranian people with a Baywatch marathon.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
