BYWATER — A particularly plump hobbit named Elanor Bolger has decided to go on a diet, cutting back from her usual six meals a day to a measly four meals a day.
Hobbits are known for eating six meals a day, including breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, and supper. But, after Elanor began noticing chest pains and a constant feeling of being out of breath, she knew it was time to make a change.
“I’m 2 foot, 11 inches, and I weigh 170 pounds,” Elanor told astonished reporters from the Shire Bugle. “You do the math.”
“I can’t even fit through my green front door to my hobbit hole. I used to be able to make the 100 yard trek from my house to The Green Dragon, but not any more. Something has got to change.”
Medical experts around Middle-earth are now sounding the alarm that the traditional Shire six-meal schedule could be leading hobbits into obesity, metabolic syndrome, and diabetes. “Yeah, they told me that cutting down to just four meals would be like intermittent fasting,” Elanor said to describe her diet. “Now, I have to wait a full 3 hours until my next meal. Just kill me.”
At publishing time, Elanor had reportedly gained two pounds before realizing that drinking ale in between meals still counts as calories too.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
