CHICAGO, IL — After releasing Jayden Ivey over his statements about the unrighteousness of Pride month, the Chicago Bulls have offered to reinstate Ivey on the team if he will agree to do some cocaine and beat a few women.
The Bulls stated that the amount of cocaine was flexible, but Ivey needed to be arrested for at least two counts of domestic violence in order to be let back onto the team.
“We have high expectations in Chicago, and we will not tolerate players who fail to live up to our culture,” said Bulls General Manager Mark Eversley. “I have communicated loud and clear the work that Ivey needs to do if he wants a place on this team. He needs to get his nose down into a pile of cocaine, and start the lady-punching. If he’s willing to put in that effort, then we can talk.”
The Bulls have made clear that lighter drugs and non-violent crimes will not suffice for reinstatement. “Ivey had the gall to say that the NBA celebrating Pride month is an unrighteous thing to do. That’s not what we at the Chicago Bulls are about,” said Eversley. “Take a look around the league and see for yourself what we’re about. I’ll give you some help. It’s cocaine and beating women. The proverbial ball is in your court, Jayden.”
At publishing time, the Bulls had also asked Ivey to consider making out with LeBron James as an apology to the LGBT community.
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