U.S. — In a landmark decision sure to send shockwaves across the social media influencing sphere, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the death penalty is OK for people who post “BREAKING” and a red siren emoji before every tweet.
The ruling represented a clear stance taken by the highest court in the land to approve handing down severe punishments for the egregious act of hyperbolizing every single post they make to their platforms.
“There is no other appropriate punishment,” said Justice Clarence Thomas in the majority opinion. “These fools think everything is some urgent, ‘breaking’ news story. That is most certainly not true. The public does not agree that the release of the trailer for the Street Fighter movie justifies the use of ‘BREAKING’ and the emoji depicting a rotating red siren light. Doing so will result in punishment to the fullest extent of the law, up to and including death.”
The ruling was made by a 6-3 vote, with the court’s liberal justices stating that the use of unnecessary hyperbole was in line with their preference for the free spread of misinformation. The conservative judges, however, felt strongly that such heinous acts must stop. “There’s no place for it in civilized society,” said Justice Samuel Alito. “Those who go against common rules of decency must face the consequences.”
At publishing time, multiple online influencers were facing execution after being arrested by law enforcement and charged with unnecessarily posting “BREAKING” before their tweets about the news that posting “BREAKING” before their tweets would result in the death penalty.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni’s visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he’s about to become a dad.
