U.S.
‘A Civilization Will Die Tonight,’ Says Donald Trump As He Enters All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp Buffet
CHURCH, VA — Employees at a local shrimp house were reportedly traumatized following a surprise visit by President Trump who, upon arriving, vowed that a civilization would die that night."A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be…
Compassionate Federal Judge Rules Assassin Should Get One More Shot To Kill Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision to compensate for what was described as "mistreatment" he suffered in jail, would-be assassin Cole Allen was granted one more chance to try to kill President Donald Trump.In a preliminary…
With TSA Finally Funded, Air Travel Back To Being Awful For The Usual Reasons
U.S. — Now that the TSA is fully funded thanks to the end of the partial government shutdown, sources confirmed that air travel was already back to being awful for its usual reasons.President Donald Trump signed bipartisan legislation on May 1,…
Amtrak Informs Small Town Girl Living In A Lonely World That They Don’t Actually Have A Midnight Train Going Anywhere
U.S. — According to reports, a small town girl living in a lonely world was forced to cancel her travel plans after being politely informed by an Amtrak employee that there isn't actually a "midnight train going…
Vegan Crossfitter Cyclist Unsure What To Tell You About First
SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a local vegan Crossfitter cyclist has become increasingly frustrated in his social life because he never knows what to tell people about first.Jonathan Patrick, a local vegan who spends all of his waking…
‘Is It Too Late To Ask Who Gerry Mander Is?’ KBJ Whispers To Clarence Thomas
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly before the United States Supreme Court issued its ruling on Louisiana's proposed redrawing of its congressional map, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly asked fellow Justice Clarence Thomas if it was too late…
Poll Shows Majority Of Democrats Believe Lincoln Assassination Staged
U.S. — The growing rift between the political right and left in the country became even more evident this week, as a new poll showed that a majority of Democrats believe the Lincoln assassination was staged.Though long held to be a historical…
Hungover Pete Hegseth Terrified To Wake Up To Redcoats On White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth awoke Tuesday morning with a brutal hangover, only to be seized with terror by the sight of British Redcoats standing on the White House lawn.After briefly wondering if this was all a…
9 Warning Signs Your Teacher Might Be Plotting To Assassinate The President
As a student, it's wise to pick up clues from your teacher — whether it's their expectations of you, what they might include on the final exam, and whether they are plotting to assassinate the U.S. President.Here is a list of clear…
Liberals Applaud Improving Diversity Of Would-Be Trump Assassins
U.S. — Following the harrowing incident at the White House Correspondents' Dinner over the weekend, progressives across the United States applauded the steadily improving diversity of would-be Trump assassins.With many liberals concerned…