U.S.
Government-Run Stores To Allow Anyone To Buy Groceries As Long As They Have Special Mark On Hand Or Forehead
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani assured citizens today that a photo ID would not be needed to shop at government-run grocery stores, stating all that would be required is a special mark on the right hand or forehead.The mark, which will be…
Meet Carl, The Last Remaining Person In Denver Who Isn’t Homeless
DENVER, CO — A local man attracted a surprising amount of attention in recent weeks for being the last remaining person in Denver who isn't homeless.As the last person in Denver not living on the street, Carl Hansen lives a privileged life.…
OSHA Fines Construction Site For Failure To Blare Mariachi Music
LOS ANGELES, CA — A construction site in the downtown area was fined several thousand dollars on Thursday after inspectors from OSHA cited them for not blaring mariachi music.Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) guidelines are…
Smithsonian Director Says She Is Completely Unaware Of Any ‘Kill Whitey’ Tattoo On Her Forehead
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As congressional hearings looking into "wokeness" in federal institutions took place on Capitol Hill, a Smithsonian director admitted that she was completely unaware of any "Kill Whitey" tattoo on her…
Warmth Of Collectivism Strikes Federal Courthouse
NEW YORK, NY — The red-hot warmth of collectivism struck a federal immigration court in downtown New York City yesterday, injuring multiple people with its soothing heat.Witnesses said the spirit of communal living ignited just outside 26…
Lesbian Couple Arrested In Miami On Sex Trafficking Charges
MIAMI, FL — A prominent lesbian couple was arrested Saturday on charges of sex trafficking, the latest in a long line of arrests and controversial charges brought against the pair.The suspects, identified as Andrew and Tristan Tate, were…
Hegseth Orders Any Military Personnel With Low Testosterone Be Transferred To The Navy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth issued a new order that any military member who is discovered to have low testosterone be immediately transferred to the Navy.Hegseth initiated mandatory testosterone testing for all members of…
Study Shows Mysterious Link Between Trying To Run Over Ice Agent And Bullets Striking Windshield
U.S. — Following yet another controversial incident in recent days involving federal immigration enforcement involvement in the death of a motorist, a new study showed a mysterious link between trying to run over ICE agents and bullets striking…
Scholars Agree Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak Signals Outpouring Of God’s Wrath On Vegetarians
CAMBRIDGE, MA — As a foodborne illness continued to sweep across the United States and strike fear into the hearts of the nation's populace, scholars agreed that the explosive diarrhea outbreak likely signaled the outpouring of God's…
Police Instantly Disperse ‘Teen Takeover’ By Firing Job Applications Into Crowd
CHICAGO, IL — Local police successfully dispersed the mob at a "teen takeover" event in the downtown area Friday night by firing thousands of job applications directly into the crowd.The incident initially involved hundreds of youth…