U.S.
Man Waking Up From Year-Long Coma Excited To See How Unified And Virtuous The Right Became In Wake Of Charlie Kirk’s Death
ROANOKE, VA — A man awoke from a year-long coma this morning, then eagerly checked his phone to see how unified and virtuous the American political right became in the wake of Charlie Kirk's death.With the surging conservative movement…
White Women Argue Black Men Should Only Have Three-Fifths Of A Jury Vote
U.S. — As the aftermath of the Lindsay Clancy mistrial continued to reverberate across the country, one member of the jury confirmed that white women were now arguing that black men should only have three-fifths of a jury vote.Multiple jurors…
Nation Reconsidering Trial By Jury Of Peers After Discovering That Our Peers Are All Dummies
U.S. — The people of the United States were reportedly reconsidering the longstanding legal tradition of trial by a jury of peers after the revelation that most peers are abject morons.Recent public interviews demonstrated that many of these…
God Promises To Spare Massachusetts If State Can Find 12 Competent Jurors
BOSTON, MA — A new report revealed that God promised to spare the state of Massachusetts if legal officials there can find at least 12 competent residents to serve as jury members.Sources said that the Almighty swore by Himself to relent in His…
Nation’s Murderers Excited To Learn Killing Legal If You Say You Were Sad
U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad.According to legal experts, centuries…
Nation Votes To Remove Massachusetts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — American voters overwhelmingly passed a federal ballot initiative yesterday ordering the removal of Massachusetts from the United States.The measure, which passed with a 94% majority, instructs federal authorities to sever the…
Chicago Teacher Asks Students To Please Raise Their Hands Instead Of Firing Pistols Into The Air
CHICAGO, IL — A fifth-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary reportedly admonished her classroom on Thursday, asking the kids to please raise their hands to be called on instead of firing pistols into the air.Gun violence is nothing new in Chicago,…
State Of Massachusetts Declared Incompetent By Reason Of Insanity
U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity.The landmark decision, handed down this morning by the United States Supreme Court, has ruled that the entire state is unfit to hold trials, engage in…
State Of Massachusetts Declared Incompetent By Reason Of Insanity
U.S. — The State of Massachusetts has officially been ruled incompetent by reason of insanity.The landmark decision, handed down this morning by the United States Supreme Court, has ruled that the entire state is unfit to hold trials, engage in…
Pete Hegseth Sets Up ‘Help Us Buy Missiles’ Lemonade Stand
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth set up a lemonade stand by the Reflecting Pool in order to raise money to allow the military to purchase more missiles.Though concerns have mounted over the military's dwindling supply of…