California Passes Law Making It A Crime To Report A Crime

SACRAMENTO, CA — In a decisive move toward preventing any citizen journalists from uncovering massive fraud and corruption in the state moving forward, California officially passed a law making it a crime to report a crime.

Following the scandalous evidence of fraud discovered by independent investigative journalist Nick Shirley, California officials vowed to do whatever was necessary to hold Shirley and others like him accountable for their crimes.

“If you report a crime, you’ll do the time,” California Governor Gavin Newsom said at a press conference after the law was passed. “This is California. We simply will not stand idly by and allow people to brazenly uncover criminal activity in our state. Starting immediately, bringing any criminal acts to light will be met with swift justice — for the one reporting it, of course. Not for the criminals, that would be ridiculous.”

Other elected officials in the state remained outraged by the audacity of concerned citizens in their desire to expose wrongdoing and put an end to it. “What gives them the right?” asked Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass. “If people in California want to create massive fraud operations designed to illegally siphon hundreds of millions of public money into their own bank accounts, who are we to tell them not to? I, for one, am glad that Governor Newsom and other brave leaders are willing to put a stop to all this ‘reporting crimes’ business. Burn ‘em all, that’s my motto.”

At publishing time, Governor Newsom had proposed reinstituting the death penalty in the state exclusively for anyone who reports a crime.