Trump Narrowly Escapes Being Bitten By Rabid Kristen Welker

EAU CLAIRE, WI — In a frightening encounter during his trip to Wisconsin, President Donald Trump narrowly avoided being bitten by a rabid Kristen Welker.

Witnesses reported that Welker approached Trump with her teeth bared and growling, shouting inane phrases and foaming at the mouth.

“Easy there, girl,” said Trump, trying to calm Welker. “It’s just me, Donnie. You don’t want to bite me, even though I probably taste delicious. Let’s lighten up on the growling a bit. That’s a good Kristen. Quiet, piggy.”

Despite Trump’s efforts to soothe the delirious Welker, the former journalist continued to snarl and snap her teeth at the president. Then, according to witnesses, a horrifying scene played out as the rabies-addled Welker lunged toward Trump, trying to sink her teeth into his shoulder.

“It was a close call,” said aide Mark O’Leary, who saw the encounter. “Welker just about nipped him. We formed a perimeter around Trump until Animal Control was able to come and take her down with a tranquilizer dart. He’s still going to need a couple of rabies shots as a precaution. Scary stuff.”

At publishing time, Animal Control had issued a warning that Welker may have already gotten to Scott Pelley.