McDonald’s Brings Back Original Recipe Apple Pies With Cocaine In Them

CHICAGO, IL — In a bid to capture vintage nostalgia, McDonald’s has announced the return of its true, original-recipe apple pies. The company confirmed the legendary dessert will once again feature the secret ingredient from its initial nineteenth-century inspiration: cocaine.

“Our customers always say they miss the old school energy of our classic menu items,” said CEO Chris Kempczinski while aggressively pacing around the boardroom. “We decided to give them exactly what they want. These pies do not just taste amazing; they give you the raw, unbridled focus to conquer your entire work week by noon. I’m tweaking right now!”

The announcement sent shockwaves through the fast food industry. Long lines formed at drive-thrus before dawn, with eager patrons reportedly ordering forty pies at a time. Several customers noted that the new pastry pairs beautifully with a large black coffee, allowing them to sprint all the way to work.

“I can feel colors!” announced one McDonald’s customer. Others reported being able to bench press cars and lift entire cement barricades.

At publishing time, the FDA had promised to look into the health effects of the products, though officials admitted they could not stop eating the delicious pies long enough to write a citation.