“I Don’t Deserve to be a Mother!” The Impact of Abortion on Marriage

James married Kathleen, aware of her two abortions prior to their relationship.  He shares “I married Kathleen with the naive notion that if I loved her enough, and accepted her unconditionally, the pain of her abortions would somehow work itself out.”

One of the bright red flags that surfaced early in their marriage, was Kathleen’s openness to having children.  When James would introduce the topic, her response would be evasion, discomfort, and outright dismissal of the idea.  She would tell James, “I don’t deserve to be a mother.”

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As the months passed, the emotions that came from her abortion related pain and grief would surface.  Kathleen would scream at the top of her lungs, throw things, and break things. She fantasized about cutting herself, and burning herself.  James felt powerless and confused, “I was unable to help her face the abortions, and embrace a future that included having children.”

The individual, and relational symptoms that arise from the complicated feelings and memories associated with past abortion can attack the heart of a marriage.  Without a deep emotional and spiritual healing of this loss, the common symptoms after abortion will negatively impact trust, intimacy and communication.

Secretive and shame inducing affairs, re-enacting elements of the shameful and secret abortion loss, are tragically, common.  James shares, “Two years into our marriage, while I was travelling frequently for work, Kathleen began an affair with another man. I felt completely betrayed, undone, stabbed in the heart.”

Instead of separation and divorce, the couple went on a Marriage Encounter retreat. James shares, “When we repeated our vows to each other during the retreat, they meant more to us than ever before, and we rededicated ourselves to each other.”  Yet, the couple remained unable to address how the abortion was impacting their marriage.

About a year after the Marriage Encounter retreat, Kathleen was experiencing some serious depression, and began to see a therapist.  James was asked to attend one of the sessions.  When the therapist asked James what he thought was at the root of Kathleen’s depression, James gently shared the connection to her past abortions.

James had read online about abortion healing programs, and suggested they consider such an option.  The therapist told the couple, “You both have a homework assignment. I want you to both go home and read up on what after-abortion healing resources are on the web.”

One night, Kathleen was already in bed and she asked how far we were from a certain city and state.  We had both been sizing up the same Rachel’s Vineyard abortion healing retreat. We just looked at each other and smiled. We knew then that God had been guiding our web searches. After speaking with the couple, the Rachel’s Vineyard site leader suggested that James attend the weekend with his wife.

James shares their experience of that weekend:

“The retreat’s guided scripture mediations and exercises, group sharing, and naming of Kathleen’s children, while not easy to go through, were very healing for us.

Kathleen read a letter to her children at the memorial service at the end of the weekend, and I spiritually adopted her two children. So many tears were shed that weekend, but at the end there was joy – great joy – peace and restoration, for us and for the others on the retreat.”

There was still more healing necessary, so Kathleen would be open to pregnancy and children.   In time, as their love and trust deepened, they experienced the joy of pregnancy, and the birth of their daughter.

James reflects on their journey of healing:

“When I look at our past, and the steps we had to take to deal with the confusion and frustration abortion caused in our lives, I know that each step was important and could not be rushed.

God is so patient. God is so faithful.  And God works miracles when we stay humble and open to him acting in our lives.”

LifeNews Note: Theresa and Kevin Burke are the founders of Rachels Vineyard Ministries Theresa also created a week program for abuse in a retreat setting entitled Grief to Grace – Healing the wounds of Abuse.   Her latest treatment model Duty to Heal – Finding Peace for a Soldiers Heart  is another week long retreat that addresses the moral injury and trauma suffered by military veterans and first responders