For Trans Athlete Ruling, Supreme Court Invites Judge Matt Walsh To Author Opinion Explaining What A Woman Is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In ruling on whether men can be women, the United States Supreme Court invited esteemed judge and noted woman expert Matt Walsh to author the majority opinion elucidating what, in fact, a woman is.

Judge Walsh’s guest authorship was a rarity for Supreme Court opinions, utilized only in unusual circumstances where a private citizen has special expertise in the litigation subject matter.

“The question before the court today is what, exactly, is a woman?” began Walsh. “The fact that we are even having this discussion is, quite frankly, laughable. But, in the interest of common sense, I am happy to provide some insight. Ladies and gentlemen, no one knows this better than me. I have traveled far and wide, asking people to please, please tell me what a woman is. I now invite everyone to sit back, relax, and watch this fabulous full-length documentary that will answer the question before the court today.”

According to witnesses, at the conclusion of the documentary, Walsh then presented his opinion, which consisted of one line stating, “A woman is a human female.”

The liberal justices of the Supreme Court began shouting and gnashing their teeth upon the release of the opinion. “How could he know? He’s not a biologist!” shouted Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. “I think he’s a wizard. Burn him!”

At publishing time, Judge Matt Walsh had taken the lead among legal experts as the most likely choice to be the next nominee to be appointed to the Supreme Court.