American Missionaries Dispatched To Europe To Spread The Good News About Air Conditioning

BRANDENBURG — Missionaries from the greatest country on earth were seen going door to door throughout Europe, spreading the good news of air conditioning.

Europeans reported having unsettling meetings with friendly Americans who wanted nothing more than to teach them about air conditioning, as if they hadn’t already heard about and rejected cool air in their domiciles.

“These people are anti-science,” German citizen Lena Wagner said, describing her encounter. “A pair of them knocked on my door, smiling ear to ear, trying to say I needed a magic box that would remove the hot air from my home. Next time, I’ll just pretend I’m not home.”

Officials warned against receiving the missionaries, describing their work as a dark and twisted rebellion against the climate. A PSA produced by the European Commission helpfully counters pro-A/C sentiment: “Just open the window, you’ll be fine.”

According to sources, the so-called American missionaries might just be door-to-door salesman peddling A/C units, but that doesn’t change the danger of their message.

French President Emmanuel Macron said, “I don’t care how many people die, if we start putting A/C in homes then we might get comfortable, and that’s not a very French way to live, oui?”

At publishing time, European governments had begun persecuting the American missionaries, but the more they attempted to stifle the news of air conditioning, the more it appeared to spread.