America Finally Interested In Soccer After Realizing How Angry You Can Make Europeans

U.S. — After years of ignoring the world’s most popular sport, Americans finally took a keen interest in soccer after discovering how much it can irritate Europeans.

With social media flooded by outraged Europeans crying about having to play the U.S. team at its full strength, Americans were struck by a sudden epiphany.

“So this is why people love soccer,” said local man Brad Stephens, watching the Belgian coach cry like a baby. “All these years, I never understood it. Aw, look at those big crocodile tears! I just never knew how much rage and anguish we could put Europeans through with soccer. This is incredible.”

Europeans vented their rage across the entire continent due to FIFA deciding that Folarin Balogun, the U.S. striker who was issued an erroneous red card, would be allowed to play after the error was corrected. “How dare it be a fair game? I cannot stop crying and shaking,” said local Belgian Maarten Jansen. “We shouldn’t have to actually play the other team, that’s so not right. We’re special soccer people, and America doesn’t even understand the rules! How can FIFA just fix a mistake like that, and now we don’t get an advantage? Whaaaa. Boo-hoo!”

At publishing time, the U.S. men’s World Cup game had set a new viewership record as tens of millions tuned in to watch more Europeans cry.