‘Soccer Is Slow, Low-Scoring, And Boring,’ Says Baseball Fan

SAN DIEGO, CA — As America’s dreams of a World Cup victory came to an end, a sophisticated baseball fan reflected on how little it matters since soccer is slow, low-scoring, and boring.

“Soccer is a total snooze-fest. There’s hardly any scoring and half the time the people are barely moving. It’s Euro-slop,” longtime baseball fan Paul Baker said. “I don’t know why we cared about soccer at all, however briefly.”

According to Baker, one of soccer’s major downfalls is that length of a game is seemingly arbitrary, with several minutes often being added to the end of a match for seemingly no reason. “It’s ridiculous. You have absolutely no idea how long a game might actually last,” said Baker. “You might sit there for two hours and not see a single score, and then they declare an ‘extra period’ or whatever. I don’t understand how anyone sits through it.”

A majority of Americans appear to agree with Baker. “Baseball, unlike soccer, is a chess match, a strategic game of intellect where one inch can be the difference between victory and defeat,” said local man Billy Northam. “There’s so much suspense because all of the action is crammed into a few seconds, and you never know when that might happen. Every run matters because it’s so hard to score. It’s why soccer will never catch on here.”

At publishing time, baseball fans had erupted in wild celebration after an epic four hour pitching duel ended 1-0.