New Progressive Bible Features Perforated Pages For Easy Removal Of Parts You Don’t Like

U.S. — Christians with strong liberal leanings were abuzz with excitement this week, as a publisher introduced a new Progressive Bible that features perforated pages for easy removal of parts you don’t like.

With each page perforated, readers can now more freely pick and choose what they want to be in the Bible and what they want to tear out and throw away, creating the opportunity for people to invent their own personal versions of Christianity that suit their sinful natures.

Glenda Harmon, a spokesperson for Love Is Love Publishing, the company that produced the new Bible, said that this is just what progressive Christians have needed since heresy and flawed theology flooded into mainstream churches over the last quarter-century. “This is the perfect Bible for people who don’t necessarily want to obey everything God says,” Harmon said. “With this version, any time you run across a part you don’t agree with, just rip it right out. Problem solved!”

Progressive Christians were already singing the praises of the new Bible in online reviews. “Now I can be as gay as I want to be without worrying about what God says about it,” said Brent Miller, a gay. “Do you know how long those verses about homosexuality have been a problem for me? Not anymore. Now, I can rip them right out and toss them aside in a literal sense, just like I’ve been figuratively doing all these years.”

At publishing time, Love Is Love Publishing had announced that the company was also working on a version of the Bible that would allow people to place new passages into the text to make the Bible say whatever they want it to say.