Scripture
George Lucas Releases Edit Of The Bible Where Malchus Attacks Peter First
LOS ANGELES, CA — Filmmaker George Lucas was reportedly branching out into Bible sales with a bold new special edition of God's Word, featuring a new edit where Malchus attacks Peter first.In the original text, the Apostle Peter cuts off…
Celebrate Pride Month With These 12 Inspiring Bible Passages About Pride
It's Pride Month again, making this the perfect time of year to see what inspirational passages can be found in God's Word that pertain to the subject.Kick your pride up a notch and pass these comforting verses on to the gays in your…
Check Out These 10 Verses From The New James Talarico Bible Translation
Senatorial candidate James Talarico is taking the world by storm thanks to his no-nonsense approach to compromising on Christianity. Now, with the new James Talarico Bible translation, you can wield the Word of God with just as much…
‘Jesus Never Said You Can’t Do This!’ Shouts James Talarico While Dropkicking Labradoodle
AUSTIN, TX — Representative James Talarico was seen today gleefully dropkicking a labradoodle as he assured onlookers that Jesus had never explicitly said that you can't dropkick a labradoodle.Talarico repeatedly punted the dog…
Noah Fined By HOA For Parking Boat In Driveway
MESOPOTAMIA — Local righteous man Noah was the recipient of a hefty fine from his HOA today over parking a large boat in the middle of his driveway.Despite multiple warnings from Kitra, the HOA President, Noah insisted that "he's not…
Boaz Carefully Arranges Stalks Of Grain On Ground To Spell Out ‘Hey Gurl’
BETHLEHEM — As Ruth was about to come pick up extra crops left for her in the fields, workers reportedly spotted Boaz carefully arranging stalks of grain on the ground to spell out "Hey Gurl."According to sources, Boaz had initially…
Scholars Believe John Was Known As ‘The Baptist’ To Differentiate Himself From ‘John The Presbyterian’
CAMBRIDGE — Scholars at Cambridge University now believe the biblical John the Baptist only went by that name to distinguish himself from other prominent Johns of the period, particularly John the Presbyterian.An ancient scroll dating back to…
Apostle John Pads Third Letter With Extra-Wide Margins, 37-Point Font
EPHESUS — Struggling to stretch his third letter to the recommended length, the Apostle John cleverly used 1.5-spacing, extra wide margins, and wrote in a generous 22-point font.The beloved apostle whom Jesus loved reportedly worked hard to pad…
Baal Returns From The Bathroom To Find All His Prophets Dead
MOUNT CARMEL — The demon known as "Baal" returned from a bathroom break only to find all of 450 of his prophets dead.Watching as all of Israel proclaimed that "The Lord is God," Baal later admitted that he had picked a…
‘There, It Couldn’t Be More Clear,’ Announces John After Finishing Revelation
PATMOS — The Apostle John emerged from his cave earlier this week feeling confident that he couldn't have been more clear in his description of the revelation he'd received."Perfect. Crystal clear," John declared, setting…