Scripture
Joseph Hoping At Some Point To Have Dream That Doesn’t Make Everyone Want To Kill Him
CANAAN — The young son of a prominent family remained optimistic that he would someday have a dream that doesn't make everyone in his life want to kill him.Local resident Joseph admitted that, despite his track record, he was holding out…
Scholars Discover Lost Plague Of Cyclists Blocking Pharaoh’s Morning Commute
RAMSES — Archaeologists excavating at ancient Egyptian historical sites discovered evidence of another biblical plague, this one believed to have consisted of a horde of cyclists blocking Pharaoh's morning commute.Though the plagues of…
Scholars Now Believe The Angel Saved Daniel By Distracting Lions With A Laser Pointer
U.S. - Leading scholars believe that the angel who saved Daniel in the lion's den used a red laser pointer to distract the vicious cats.The hungry lions could not help but chase the uncatchable red dot, distracting them throughout the night…
King Solomon Admits He May Have Plagiarized ‘Nothing New Under The Sun’
JERUSALEM — As he observed the temple scribes hard at work making official copies of the book of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon reportedly admitted that he may have plagiarized the bit about there being nothing new under the sun.Solomon maintained…
George Lucas Releases Edit Of The Bible Where Malchus Attacks Peter First
LOS ANGELES, CA — Filmmaker George Lucas was reportedly branching out into Bible sales with a bold new special edition of God's Word, featuring a new edit where Malchus attacks Peter first.In the original text, the Apostle Peter cuts off…
Celebrate Pride Month With These 12 Inspiring Bible Passages About Pride
It's Pride Month again, making this the perfect time of year to see what inspirational passages can be found in God's Word that pertain to the subject.Kick your pride up a notch and pass these comforting verses on to the gays in your…
Check Out These 10 Verses From The New James Talarico Bible Translation
Senatorial candidate James Talarico is taking the world by storm thanks to his no-nonsense approach to compromising on Christianity. Now, with the new James Talarico Bible translation, you can wield the Word of God with just as much…
‘Jesus Never Said You Can’t Do This!’ Shouts James Talarico While Dropkicking Labradoodle
AUSTIN, TX — Representative James Talarico was seen today gleefully dropkicking a labradoodle as he assured onlookers that Jesus had never explicitly said that you can't dropkick a labradoodle.Talarico repeatedly punted the dog…
Noah Fined By HOA For Parking Boat In Driveway
MESOPOTAMIA — Local righteous man Noah was the recipient of a hefty fine from his HOA today over parking a large boat in the middle of his driveway.Despite multiple warnings from Kitra, the HOA President, Noah insisted that "he's not…
Boaz Carefully Arranges Stalks Of Grain On Ground To Spell Out ‘Hey Gurl’
BETHLEHEM — As Ruth was about to come pick up extra crops left for her in the fields, workers reportedly spotted Boaz carefully arranging stalks of grain on the ground to spell out "Hey Gurl."According to sources, Boaz had initially…