NEW YORK, NY — Speaking at the UN this week, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney clarified their Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) program, explaining that by “assisted suicide” they mean “unsolicited murder”.
MAID had become the subject of much controversy going into the UN General Assembly, but instead of feeling shame, Canadian officials faced the moment head on, taking advantage of the golden opportunity to explain their love for murder on the world stage.
“There’s been a lot of confusion about our health care program and I see now the fault is ours,” Carney said. “You see, by ‘assisted suicide’ we actually mean ‘unsolicited murder’, eh?”
He continued, “Sorry aboot that. We have a French Canadian working in the health services and they muck up the words sometimes. What a hoser.”
According to sources, being confused with a passionate end of life program has long been a problem for MAID. But Carney was able to set the world straight by explaining the pride they have in confusing patients with mountains of red tape until they think they’re going into hospice… and then they strike.
During Carney’s passionate speech about murder, Iranian delegates clapped and cheered. Other nations, however, reacted in the exact opposite manner.
“We all love unsolicited murder but you don’t just say that!” said UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham. “It’s not proper.”
Only American delegates left during the speech in protest.
At publishing time, President Trump ordered sanctions on Canada for its use of unsolicited murder.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn’t doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee’s Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
