Al-Qaeda Wins New York Primary

NEW YORK, NY — Almost 25 years after it successfully flew two jetliners into the Twin Towers, killing thousands of people, Al-Qaeda clinched Tuesday’s New York City primary election in an explosive landslide victory.

According to sources, the number one issue going into the election was Jews — an issue voters appear to have solved by electing known Al-Qaeda terrorists Brad Lander (NY-10), Darializa Avila Chevalier (NY-13), and Claire Valdez (NY-7).

Moderate Democrats were reportedly unable to win over voters — half of whom were Muslims who deliberately infiltrated the city for the sole purpose of defeating them.

According to exit poll interviews, voters had a number of different reasons for willingly choosing terrorists to represent their once great city.

“The Jews made me vote for Al-Qaeda,” said local voter Steve Gentles. “A tiny Jew literally jumped on my hand and made me vote for them. So don’t blame me!”

“What was I supposed to do? Not vote for a terrorist? That’s stupid,” said another.

“The way I see it, I don’t have to be afraid of terrorist attacks if we’re supporting the terrorists,” explained local voter Ruth Harper as she tapped her head with a finger to indicate how smart she is. “4D chess.”

Mayor Zohran Mamdani claimed responsibility for the dramatic election outcome.

“Is defending oneself and punishing the aggressor in kind, objectionable terrorism? If it is such, then it is unavoidable for us,” Mayor Zohran Mamdani said from a cave outside the city. “Allahu Akbar!”

At publishing time, Al-Qaeda had announced that it would be converting Ground Zero into an Osama bin Laden Memorial Park.