Bose Introduces New Mariah Carey-Canceling Headphones For Christmas

FRAMINGHAM, MA — Going out in public during the holiday season without being overcome with the desire to shove an icepick in your ears will be possible once again this year, as Bose introduced its new Mariah Carey-canceling headphones just in time for Christmas.

The new headphones, specifically designed to filter out Mariah Carey’s ubiquitous “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” were sure to be a hot item for the holiday shopping season, as consumers prepared to be bludgeoned with the song an average of 48 times per day.

“Leaving the house will be safe once again this holiday season,” said Bose marketing spokesman Jeff Healy. “We’ve heard the pained cries of the public for years and decided to do something about it. Enter our new Mariah Carey-canceling headphones. Imagine going back in time to what life was like during Christmas, back before the onslaught of Mariah Carey. That can be your reality again with these amazing new headphones.”

Consumers were already excited by the news. “I no longer have to be afraid,” said Linda Farmer, who hasn’t gone outside between Thanksgiving and New Year’s for the last 25 years. “Each Christmas season brought me closer and closer to despair, but these new Mariah Carey-canceling headphones can give me hope of living a normal life again. Thank you, Bose!”

At publishing time, Bose had received so many orders for the new headphones that they were looking into developing a pair of Wham!-canceling headphones to prevent anyone from having to hear “Last Christmas” ever again.