SPACE — In accordance with Canadian law, the crew of NASA’s Artemis II mission successfully euthanized Canadian astronaut Jeremy Hansen after discovering he’d suffered a light bruise during takeoff.
Artemis II is NASA’s first mission to the moon since 1972. A truly historical launch for everyone involved — except for Hansen, who is now deceased.
“No one should have to live with a light bruise,” said Canadian PM Mark Carney. “When I heard about the bumpy launch, I contacted NASA immediately to make sure they put Col. Hansen out of his misery right away.”
According to reports, Hansen’s colleagues initially resisted the order to kill him, citing the lack of proper equipment on board the shuttle. But, with assistance from ground control, the crew successfully re-engineered hardware from the life support systems to create the necessary equipment to administer a deadly toxin into Hansen’s bloodstream.
In his final communication to Earth, Hansen reportedly said, “Please, it’s just a bruise. I want to live.” A poignant message which experts attributed to space madness.
At publishing time, the remaining members of the Artemis II crew announced plans to honor their fallen Canadian crewmate by using extra maple syrup with their pancake breakfast tomorrow morning.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
