family
Cruel, Heartless Wife Goes On Fun Girls’ Weekend Leaving Poor Husband All Alone And Lonely And Helpless
TOLEDO, OH — Local wife Aubrey Jackson reportedly left the house for 72 hours on a girls' weekend, cruelly abandoning her lonely, helpless husband.News of the incident traveled quickly among the couple's friends and family, with…
12 Tips For Dads Babysitting Their Own Kids
Don't be alarmed, but there may be times when your wife will leave you home along with the kids for hours — or even days — on end. Knowing what to do in these situations is vital for their survival, and yours.The Babylon Bee is here to help…
Child Psychologists Now Say Screen Time Is OK For Toddlers As Long As You’re Showing Them ‘Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World’
BETHESDA, MD — A leading group of child psychologists suggested screen time is now considered "OK" for toddlers as long as you are showing them the hit 2003 naval adventure film, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.Prior to…
Man Smokes Cigar In Desperate Hope To Feel Sick And Become Unattractive To Wife
HOUSTON, TX — Local man Matthew Coggins lit up a cigar this afternoon in a bid to feel terribly nauseous while simultaneously causing his wife to find him utterly repulsive.With his stomach feeling perfectly normal as he enjoyed a nice day with…
Mom Frustrated As Kids Once Again Devour Groceries Before Getting Home From Store
LINCOLN, NE — Local mom Clara Gibbons expressed dismay upon discovering that her children had once again eaten all the groceries that were in the trunk of the family's vehicle before they'd even made it back home."I don't…
Wise Dad Prepares Son For Life’s Challenges By Having Him Play ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!’
REDLANDS, CA — For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life's challenges by making him…
How Elites Are Actively Celebrating Polycules, Polyamory and Throuples
The invention of new family forms never stops. It just continues. It started in the 1960s and 70s with the separation of sex and babies from marriage, marriage from parenting with the expressive divorce, and the single-parent-by-choice…
Man Hires Oscars Orchestra To Play ‘Wrap It Up’ Music When Wife’s Stories Go Too Long
MILWAUKEE, WI — Local man Ed Clayfield reportedly saved himself an extended period of suffering by hiring members of the Academy Awards Orchestra to perform the "Wrap It Up" music whenever his wife's stories go too long."I…
Parents Punish Teen By Forcing Him To Stay Up To Watch Jimmy Kimmel Monologue
FRANKLIN, TN — In what was later described as "unusually cruel", local parents punished their teen son by forcing him to stay up to watch Jimmy Kimmel's monologue.The incident occurred last night, after Jayden Brooks ran afoul of…
Do the Democrats Have a Vested Interest in Destroying the Family?
See if you can finish this thought:If tea drinkers are more likely to vote for a given political party, that party will encourage tea drinking.If bicycle riders are more likely to vote for a given party, that party will encourage bicycle…