U.S.
Exhausted Nation Wishes Minnesota Would Be Normal For Like Five Minutes
U.S. — According to sources, an exhausted nation was wishing Minnesota would just be normal for, like, five minutes.Insiders revealed that every sane person in America had grown tired of Minnesota being unable to go more than a few seconds…
Sad: This Man Didn’t Check The News For One Hour And Missed The Entirety Of World War III
SPOKANE, WA — Local man Travis Barnes sadly failed to check his phone for one hour, missing out on the entirety of World War III.Barnes pulled out his phone only to learn that the war had ended, and also that the war had begun."Aw,…
Man Achieves American Dream Of Working Hard And Paying Taxes For 50 Years So He Can Fund Fraudulent Somali Daycares
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local factory worker Hector Flintstock has been working hard, following the law, saving money, and paying taxes for 50 years, and is finally able to achieve his lifelong retirement dream of funding a fraudulent Somali daycare…
The Babylon Bee Would Like To Inform Tim Walz We Are Now A Functioning Daycare In Minnesota
We at The Babylon Bee would like to let Governor Tim Walz know that we are now a fully functioning daycare in Minnesota serving literally millions of children.After taking a long, hard look at our business model, we felt it financially prudent…
Check Out These Amazing Features On The New Trump-Class Battleship
President Trump announced an exciting new Trump-class battleship that will be the largest, fastest, and most powerful battleship fleet in the world.The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive schematic of this formidable new war machine:Additional…
Texas Issues Annual Reminder Not To Shoot Santa
AUSTIN, TX — The State of Texas has issued its annual reminder for residents to please refrain from shooting Santa Claus.The reminder has gone out to all Texans every December 21st for the last twenty years, ever since the infamous 2005 incident…
Tucker Carlson Interrupts Speech For Evening Prayer To Mecca
PHOENIX, AZ — Attendees at Turning Point's AmFest 2025 event experienced an awkward moment last night, as Tucker Carlson interrupted his own speech for evening prayer to Mecca.Onlookers were startled as Tucker halted a lengthy speech on…
Trump Reduces D.C. Crime So Much Police Chief Resigns Out Of Boredom
WASHINGTON, D.C. — D.C. Police Chief Pamela Smith reportedly stepped down from her duties on Thursday because President Donald Trump had reduced crime in the city so drastically that it had made her really bored."There's nothing to…
Trump Imposes 25% Tariffs On All Incoming Christmas Presents From The North Pole
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Families hoping for financial relief for the holiday season received troubling news today, as President Donald Trump announced he was imposing 25% tariffs on all incoming Christmas presents from the North Pole.Inside sources…
James O’Keefe Goes Deep Undercover By Parting His Hair On Other Side
U.S. — According to sources, investigative journalist James O'Keefe once again went deep undercover in spite of his notoriety by parting his hair on the other side."They will never know it's me," a man who looked like…