U.S.
Governor Pritzker Activates 100 Battalions Of Illegal Immigrants In War Against ICE
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Seeking to ramp up his opposition force against the invasion of federal agents seeking to enforce the law, Governor JB Pritzker activated 100 battalions of illegal immigrants in Illinois's war against ICE.The governor…
With Government Shutdown Closing National Parks, Moose Forced to Find New Jobs
GRAND TETONS, WA — In a tragic displacement caused by the ongoing government shutdown of National Parks, moose across the country have been forced to find new jobs.According to one moose, nearly all of the moose formerly employed in the U.S.…
Chicago Mayor Hoping His ICE-Free Zones Work Better Than His Gun-Free Zones
CHICAGO, IL — As the city seeks to push back against President Donald Trump's efforts to enforce immigration law, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson told his aides that he hoped their "ICE-Free Zones" would work a lot better than their…
Federal Judge Orders National Guard To Shoot Pepper Spray In Own Eyes
U.S. — In a brave act of judicial resistance to Trump's executive tyranny, District Judge Karin Immergut has ordered the National Guard to shoot pepper spray into their own eyes.Immergut, who is a first-term Trump appointee according to…
Sad: With New Military Fitness Standards, Your Mom Unable To Join Military
U.S. — Amid the news that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth had revised the fitness requirements for all armed forces personnel, one unfortunate side effect that may have gone unnoticed was the sad reality that the new military fitness standards…
Nation Erupts In Celebration As Government Finally Shuts Down
U.S. — Celebrations have erupted all across America today as the federal government has actually shut down.Tears poured forth from overjoyed citizens as the government finally closed its doors after years of devastating close calls."I…
Entire Federal Workforce Replaced By Very Tired Marco Rubio
U.S. — The entire federal workforces has officially been replaced by a noticeably fatigued Marco Rubio With the federal government funding expiring at midnight last night, President Trump tapped Rubio to step in to fill the shoes of all 750,000…
10 Changes Hegseth Is Making To Military Health Requirements
New military fitness standards were all the buzz today, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that all personnel would be expected to meet higher criteria moving forward. But what, exactly, will be required?The Babylon Bee has obtained the…
Pete Hegseth Hires Hans, Franz To Get Generals Into Shape
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.After…
Mormons Respond To Attack By Continuing To Be Amazingly Kind To Everyone
GRAND BLANC, MI — Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints responded to the tragic attacks on one of their locations by continuing to be nice and friendly to everyone they met."Gosh, this really boils my blood," LDS…