U.S. — According to sources, the hidden upper echelon embedded in the United States government once again reveled in victory as it cast the nation into darkness at 4:30 p.m., like it does every year.
Daylight Saving Time, which was instituted to extend sunlight during evening hours, was revoked once again on Sunday so that millions could “fall back” an hour and lose the evening sun. Now, the nation is plunged into a horrifying darkness beginning at 4:30 p.m. in what some see as an elaborate plot to keep people depressed and without hope.
“Yes, be shielded by night, my slaves. Let the world fall back into darkness once more!” Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi was heard saying. “Let the elder ones rise again!”
When asked if she would ever vote to make DST permanent, Pelosi hissed and retreated into the shadows, of which there are now many because darkness has fallen upon the land.
Just one day after the end of DST, reports of depression rose by over 300% across the country. Kids stopped playing outside and were forced to go indoors and play video games all evening. A thick, reprehensible sense of dread descended upon the country, threatening to strangle out all joy and goodwill.
President Donald Trump, who briefly toyed with the idea of making DST permanent, has claimed dark forces in the government are interfering with his quest of peace and light. “It’s a deep state plot,” Trump said. “They want it to get dark early. Like, really dark. Pitch black. So black that even Vin Diesel can’t see, if you can believe it. They say it’s for the farmers, but the farmers don’t care.”
He added, “JFK was going to expose it, and they killed him. I don’t know why. They’re probably vampires or something.”
At publishing time, the White House confirmed the assassin who struck Trump’s ear was motivated by a desire to ensure the annual fall back would continue.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a “peaceful” dinner?
