NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Satan announced Wednesday that all its appliances going forward will be controlled by the Apple TV Remote.
“Today, Hell is finally at the forefront of modern technology and — where did I put that thing,” said Satan, having seemingly lost the tiny unergonomic remote. “Ugh! I always lose this thing!”
According to demonic sources, Apple’s touch-first approach is a punishment worse than death. “I can’t even make some toast without trying to memorize a series of overly sensitive swipe gestures,” said Beelzebub. “It sounds cool at first. ‘Hey, an Apple product in Hell. Neat!’ But it’s a curse.”
Denizens of Hell have reportedly driven themselves mad trying to use the Apple TV remote to execute even simple functions.
“AHHH! AHHHHHH!!!” said Cain. “WHYYYYY?! AHHHHHHH!”
The Apple TV Remote’s needlessly small and sleek design makes it hard for most of the damned to use. Combined with its poor tactile feedback and short battery life, Hell has never been more miserable.
“This is pure torture!” screamed Judas. “Worse than even the thickest chains and the hottest fire!”
At publishing time, Hell confirmed all available Apple TV Remotes would first have soda spilled all over them prior to use.
Steve and Timpani’s continued adjustment to all things Texas hits a speed bump when Timpani’s sister, Brittuni, arrives.
