SAN FRANCISCO — The homeless of California have achieved a final and decisive victory in Governor Gavin Newsom’s fight against homelessness.
Despite Newsom spending $24 billion on the seven-year war effort, the homeless have steadily conquered more territory, expanding their strongholds in every major city.
“Veni, vidi, vici. The state is ours,” said homeless encampment leader Darren “Two-Tents” Willis. “Already, we have attained our most important objectives in this fight: free drugs, free needles, and unfettered sidewalk access for public defecation. We continue to strengthen our strategic position every day.”
Admitting defeat, Newsom reportedly met with homeless representatives in a dilapidated tent under a bridge overpass just south of San Francisco. “We tried everything to vanquish them,” sighed Newsom. “We gave them money, cocaine, and a free pass to commit whatever crimes they pleased. Somehow, it just wasn’t enough.”
According to local sources, the homeless population is celebrating the victory with shopping cart parades and, of course, crack. “We’ve seen unprecedented gains over the course of this fight,” said Willis. “We have never had more square footage or more crack. Frankly, we couldn’t have done it without the state’s unwavering commitment to whatever it is they’ve been doing.”
At publishing time, a field of grass had declared victory in Gavin Newsom’s $126 billion fight to build a high-speed rail.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni’s visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he’s about to become a dad.
