‘Ladies And Gentlemen, We Got Him,’ Announces FBI After Killer Turns Himself In

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation held a congratulatory press conference on Friday to notify the public that the agency had successfully apprehended the man suspected of murdering conservative activist Charlie Kirk after the shooter turned himself in.

Following a manhunt that stretched over the course of two days and made use of every asset, tool, and agent at the bureau’s disposal, government officials were proud to announce that all of the hard work had paid off when the assassin walked through the door and placed himself in custody.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we got him,” FBI Director Kash Patel told reporters at the news conference. “After sleepless nights and intense focus, we are pleased to say that the search is over and that we have arrested the man we believe committed this horrific act. We couldn’t have done this without the relentless efforts of our FBI staff or the killer’s willingness to just show up here, tell us who he was, and turn himself in.”

The FBI’s Salt Lake City office reportedly breathed a sigh of relief that the search had reached its conclusion when the assassin arrived and placed himself in handcuffs. “It’s great to finally track him down,” said one field agent. “It’s not an easy job, but it is easier when you’re seemingly just totally lost and the person you’re searching for just shows up and turns themselves in.”

At publishing time, the FBI released a statement urging all of the individuals listed on its Most Wanted List to do them a solid and just turn themselves in.